[Image via @bethhoeckel]
Sometimes, The Best Prayer Starts With: “Lord, I’m Not Okay.”
It is not every day that a Christian gets excited to spend time with his or her Lord and Savior.
Most days, it’s a warfare. Temptations are thrown in by the enemy, and sometimes, pride (self-centeredness, self-dependence, self-absorption) and worries of this life kick in.
Yesterday was one of those days. I was struggling to ﬁnd quietness with God, the entire day. My mind was polluted with a lot of frustrations and hurts. My Bible was within reach, but I would rather scroll on my phone.
[Image via @bethhockel]
I felt tired, bored and sapped by worries. My mind was wandering with conclusions and assumptions; not prayers and petitions.
“My mind was wandering with conclusions and assumptions; not prayers and petitions.”
My heart felt heavy, but I was trying so hard to come up with how I could say it to God. I wanted to be honest with God, but I was delaying it. The Holy Spirit wanted my soul to ﬁnd rest, but I was constantly going against it. The struggle was indeed real, and it left me with no peace. There was a still, small voice within me saying, “Just go and talk to Him.”
Everyone at home was already sleeping, and I was led to go to our dining area. I opened a little lamp, turned on a fan and placed my Bible on the table. I sat ready to read and listen to Him, but then, I still stood up and walked around, wanting to forsake my quiet time, yet again.
The still small voice, however, kept saying, “Just go and be honest with Him.”
I sat down again and stared blankly into space. I could not open my mouth. I did not know what to tell God, but He kept saying, “Come to Me, as you are.”
One heavy sigh, and then, I uttered, “Lord, I’m not okay.”
“Lord, I’m not okay.”
[Image via @goop]
Then, I started crying, out loud. I was not saying anything, but I was just crying as though I was being comforted by an embrace I could not physically see. It felt like I was being understood deeply even without expressing myself, just yet. Sobbing relentlessly, words started pouring out aimlessly.
“It felt like I was being understood deeply even without expressing myself, just yet.”
“God, I’m sorry. It’s so hard to pray.”
“I’m sorry that I didn’t want to be here.”
“I’m drowning in self-pity.”
Then, suddenly, a prayer of thanks came about. “Thank you, God, for pursuing me. Thank You, Father, for still bringing me here in Your presence.”
Then, realizing how good God is and how self-absorbed I was, I uttered, “Please forgive me, Father. Lord, have mercy.”
When we go through the prayers of David in the book of Psalms, we’ll see writings of honest, speciﬁc and heartfelt letters. It did not always sound good, but David’s expressions of faith were blatant. He would tell God that he had enemies and that he was troubled by them because of the things they did (which he elaborates to God). He would cry out to God and beg God to see his aﬄictions and to rescue him, immediately.
Sometimes, he transparently told God that his strength is dried up. Sometimes, he brutally tells God the things he has done, asking Him for forgiveness and mercy.
God does not want me to cover up things or delay. He doesn’t care if I sound good or awkward in my prayer.
“He doesn’t care if I sound good or awkward in my prayer.”
This loving God wants His children to come to Him, as they are — seeking Him with their hearts, even when it’s broken and weary.
[Image via @annemkortright]
He does not have to, but He waits for me to be honest with Him. He does not need to, but He pursues me, until I confess where I was at.
Trudy Gine Amoranto
Trudy is an aspiring writer from Manila, Philippines. She is a corporate employee on weekdays, a graduate school student at night, and a round-the-clock follower of Jesus. She lives for the purpose of knowing God more and making Him known!
To read more from Trudy, visit: http://www.setoutfor.com