Observing Grief (Part 1)

“My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself. He is the great iconoclast. Could we not almost say that this shattering is one of the marks of His presence?” A Grief Observed, pg. 66

I don’t know about you, but grief has been ever present in my life. It has felt like it is always lurking in the shadows. It may not be unique to me. I know there are many who feel like life has been one loss after another.

Sometimes, we lose something, and God mysteriously brings something back into our lives. Other times, what we have lost is gone for a while (at least for this side of eternity).

Grief is defined as a deep sorrow. We often associate it with someone’s death, but we can experience sorrow for many types of loss—it doesn’t have to be limited to death. Life has a way of ripping a lot of things out of our hands.

I come from a family that experienced loss and was, in a way, shaped by it. Grandparents on both sides experienced the death of their parents at young ages in tragic ways that were perhaps common for that time but not any less painful. People did the best they could, but I know for a fact that there was a lot of grief passed down that shaped how we moved in the world. Grief is a human legacy sometimes, unless we choose differently.

As a child, being deeply immersed in the church community, I also experienced communal grief. I have gone to more funerals than I can count. I have mourned where others mourned. I have wondered what people’s lives were like before I met them. I have traveled distances to funerals of even people unknown. I have seen the puzzled faces of funeral home workers as we close a service marked by a hope of eternal life and that this death is not the end.

Loss and grief has continued as a thick thread throughout my life, and probably yours, too. I recently read A Grief Observed again, and sat with it for a bit. It’s a short book where C.S. Lewis journals his thoughts on his own grief after losing his wife to illness.

I think there are lessons in the book that we can all borrow from, for all types of loss. This is a series that talks about grief. Not many people discuss it. Often, when you are deep in it, you feel the loneliness that accompanies sorrow. I want to follow Lewis’ lead here. Our discussion will require that we stop our minds from self-judgment. Judgment often blocks honesty, even with ourselves. I want this to be a place where those going through deep sorrow feel seen and less alone. Let’s speak candidly as Lewis did.

What are the things we go through in grief of any sort? What does loss tell us about life, ourselves and God?

Madeleine L’Engle reminds us that “Each experience of grief is unique” and “it is normal, it is right to grieve, and the Christian is not denied this natural response to loss.”

Douglas H Gersham, C.S. Lewis’ step son, reflects on loss as a sort of corruption to what should have been. Loss always feels wrong because it is. He says “Loss” is Satan’s corruption of “that great gift of love and being loved.”

Gersham writes of his own experience losing his mother– that he had “yet to learn that all human relationships end in pain—it is the price that our imperfection has allowed Satan to exact from us for the privilege of love.”

Love and grief go hand-in-hand. A custom I have been intrigued by is one I have witnessed at Jewish funerals. At Christian funerals, they lower the casket into the ground and people weep. I have seen people almost collapse into the hole, as well. In Jewish funerals, family and friends will take the shovel and dirt and cover the body in the ground. I have found that to be a profound gesture. Love will cover. And if you are too weak, those who love you will step up to help and cover what you cannot do. Those who have passed have their loved ones cover them. It’s a privilege to love and be loved. I include “be loved” because sometimes, we don’t allow people to love us.

Grief, love and pain are a kaleidoscope. We see so much differently as we turn it in our hands. Things are at times distorted, but light peeks through at different moments, bringing colors and shapes and vision to us.

Join us as we explore loss. We will follow C.S. Lewis as he analyzes the feelings of loss by first looking at himself, then the person he lost, and then, God Himself.