The Gift of Rejection (Excerpt) by Nona Jones

We previously featured author Nona Jones during the release of her book Killing Comparison, and we are excited to have her here again for her newest book, The Gift of Rejection.

“Nona shares insightful research, practical steps, and powerful stories from her own life as well as the lives of Bible characters and modern-day trailblazers to help you: Identify the root of rejection and how it’s manifesting in your life; Pinpoint when the pain of rejection is triggering you and counter it with truth; Respond to rejection with resilience and resolve rather than fear and defeat; Anchor your identity in who God is calling you to be; and Rejection is a gift that can help you build resilience, character, and success. The Gift of Rejection will teach you how.”

I really loved this excerpt, as I found it to be something many can probably relate to. I hope it encourages you on your walk and growth.

We give a special thanks to HarperCollins Christian for making this possible.

Get your copy of The Gift of Rejection here.

The Rejection Game

Have you ever experienced a relationship where the only time you received love and validation was when you did what the other person wanted, where you had to mold yourself to their ideal image of you to get their attention?

Maybe you worked hard in school to make your dad proud, but instead of celebrating your six As, he wanted to know why you made one B. Even though you worked extremely hard for your grades, his disapproval created the sense that nothing less than perfection was worthy of his attention, causing you to believe that you’re a failure unless you’re the first or the best.

Maybe you graduated college with an architecture degree, but instead of celebrating your accomplishment, your grandmother didn’t attend the graduation because she said being an architect wasn’t respectable like being a physician. Even though you love architecture and graduated at the top of your class, her disapproval made you question your decision and feel ashamed of your degree.

Maybe you gave birth to twins, but instead of celebrating the miracle of your children’s birth, your husband expressed disappointment with the stretch marks on your belly. Even though you worked hard to get back into shape after giving birth, his disapproval made you self-conscious of your body, causing you to put away the two-piece bathing suits you loved.

People’s rejection of parts of us that make us who we are feels personal because it is personal; they are rejecting the very attributes that comprise our identity. In response to their rejection, we tend to internalize their assessment as evidence of our unworthiness. This can lead us to modulate our personalities, interests, accomplishments, and desires down to the level of their opinion to try to please them. But the sad, sinister side of some human relationships is found in an unfortunate truth. Even if you do everything someone tells you to do, they can still walk away from you.

For some people, rejection is like a game where the object is to win by controlling you. The term narcissist has entered popular vernacular in recent years, but it is typically applied inappropriately. Many people think narcissism is simply when a person is being egotistical or arrogant, but narcissism goes much deeper and causes an incredible amount of harm to the victim. You see, unlike psychological disorders like depression or schizophrenia, instead of affecting the person who has the disorder, narcissism affects the other people in the narcissist’s life.

As described by Psychology Today, “Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment.”[i] What makes narcissism so insidious is that narcissists force other people to shape their lives around the narcissist’s beliefs about themselves. In other words, a narcissist uses the people in their lives to build monuments of grandeur unto themselves. Because of this, when a person doesn’t make the narcissist look as good as they believe they are, disapproval is swift, visceral, and destructive. How does it show itself?

In the case of your B in school, your father wasn’t disappointed because of what that grade meant for your GPA; he was disappointed that he couldn’t say he was the father of a straight A student. He wasn’t able to use your report card as a monument of grandeur unto himself.

In the case of your architecture degree, your grandmother wasn’t disappointed because she believed it would limit your career options; she was disappointed that she wouldn’t be able to tell her friends that you are a physician like their grandchildren. She wasn’t able to use your degree as a monument of grandeur unto herself.

In the case of your stretch marks, your husband wasn’t disappointed because of how they made you look; he was disappointed because his trophy wife had a perceived flaw. He wasn’t able to use your perfect body as a monument of grandeur unto himself.

Awareness of the motives behind their behavior matters because if you don’t understand this, you will assume that their disapproval of you is because something is wrong with you. You will try to pinpoint the parts of your identity that need to change in order for them to approve of you, when the truth is that their disapproval has nothing to do with you at all. Their disapproval is the result of their distorted sense of entitlement to the admiration they can receive through you.

“Their disapproval is the result of their distorted sense of entitlement to the admiration they can receive through you.”

When you are dealing with a person who simply views you as a means to an end—their own self-aggrandizement—you can check all their boxes and still get rejected. If you secure your identity to another person’s approval or opinion of you, you will find yourself battling insecurity, because people’s approval often changes like the currents of the ocean. Why? People often approve of others based on self-interest.

When I first met Michael, I was president of my sorority and a well-known student leader on campus. I regularly spoke at campus events and held prestigious leadership positions with a number of influential organizations. Although I didn’t know who he was, Michael knew exactly who I was. Within the first week of getting to know each other, he told me that he had been watching me for a while, waiting for an opportunity to introduce himself. He even remarked how cute of a couple we made because he was president of his fraternity. He was with me because I made him look good.

As our relationship progressed, I noticed that he often made our communication about himself—asking if I missed him, asking me how he looked, telling me about the awards and recognitions he received. He asked very little about me and, instead, told me about myself, specifically about whatever flaws he perceived I had.

“Nona, you should listen more. You talk too much.” This was said after he talked for twenty-eight minutes of a thirty-two-minute conversation that he ended in frustration because I reminded him I had listened most of the time.

“Nona, you complain too much. You always have a problem.” This was said when I told him what was bothering me about my day after he had asked me how my day was.

“Nona, you are too needy. I’m giving you as much time as I have.” This was after I asked him to find more time than the one- to two-minute conversations we would have every other day near the end of our relationship.

Since I didn’t know any better and believed his assessment that I was the problem, I took his feedback to heart and only spoke concisely when he asked me a direct question.

In the rare event that he asked me about my day, I learned to say, “It was good,” no matter how bad it was.

Instead of asking for more time, I made sure I immediately answered when he called so I could get whatever crumbs of time he offered me.

Rejection will make you lose yourself out of fear of losing someone else.

By the time I came to my senses in that dorm room on that summer morning, I realized there was nothing I could do or say to make Michael believe differently about me. So I decided to do the one thing I had forgotten to do the entire time; I decided to be who God called me to be. I wasn’t the overbearing, negative, or needy person Michael said I was. I was chosen by God, part of a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9). I decided I would wrap my heart around the truth that what Michael thought about me didn’t change what God said about me.

The manipulation and control tactics Michael used were meant to break me down so he could remake me in an image of his own design, but instead, his rejection served to anchor me in the truth of God’s perfect design of me.

“Rejection will make you lose yourself out of fear of losing someone else.”

[Taken from The Gift of Rejection by Nona Jones. Copyright © October 202 by Zondervan. Used by permission of Zondervan, http://www.zondervan.com.]

Get your copy of The Gift of Rejection here.

Nona Jones is a rare combination of preacher, business executive, author, and entrepreneur. She currently serves as CEO of The Nona Jones Co. and global ambassador for the faith-tech company YouVersion. Her corporate leadership experience includes serving as chief content and partnerships officer at YouVersion, head of global faith partnerships at Meta, the company formerly known as Facebook, and chief external affairs officer for a multistate school for at-risk girls.

Nona is the author of Killing Comparison, Success from the Inside Out, and The Gift of Rejection. She has been profiled by ESSENCE magazine as an “Under 40 Woman to Watch” and Florida Trend magazine as one of Florida’s “30-Something All Stars.” She has been featured on Good Morning America and is a regular cohost of Better Together on TBN. She is a graduate of Leadership Florida and the Presidential Leadership Scholars Program, a joint initiative of President George W. Bush and President Bill Clinton.

Nona’s community and civic engagement includes involvement with The Links, Incorporated, Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, and Jack & Jill. She serves on the boards of Christianity Today magazine and Gloo. She holds a bachelor of arts in communication and master of business administration from the University of Florida, where she has been recognized as an Outstanding Young Alumnus. She has completed graduate studies at the Harvard Law School Program on Negotiation.

She and her husband, Pastor Tim, lead Open Door Church in Gainesville, Florida, and are the proud parents of two boys, Timothy Jr. and Isaac, and one goldendoodle girl, Shiloh.

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Until next time, keep witnessing!

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